I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
