when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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