she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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