I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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