I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
