Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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