then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
