i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
