Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
