I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
