Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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