your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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