My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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