He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
