Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
