Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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