Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
