Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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