I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
