Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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