It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
