Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize