I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
