the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
