I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
