tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
