That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
