look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
