I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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