I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
