I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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