My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
