I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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