how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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