I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
