you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
