Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
