I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
