So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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