I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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