How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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