youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
