that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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