even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
