An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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