It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
