My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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