I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
