never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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