oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
