We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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