saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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