She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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