i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
