I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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