Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
