We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
