I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
